Wednesday, August 26, 2009

For you.....


I was trying to figure out how to honor you, one year after you left this world. I still haven't figured it out, but it will be watch from above. You will be proud of me. I think I am going to do something for/with the local Hospice, since that is where your passion was. I miss you more than words can say, and honestly, some days are pretty bad. I have the days where I fight back tears most of the day...and Chloe will ask if I still miss you (which breaks my heart even more). Then I have my good days, when I know that you wouldn't be happy with me crying about you...and I put my chin up and a smile on my face, and enjoy the awesome gifts I have been given. But, isn't always that easy. I just wish for one moment, I could talk to you one last time. It has been a hard year...just like you always used to tell us after Grandpa passed away, you grieved for both Grandpa AND Leo. I feel like it is sorta the same for me: When you died, we just had a new baby and a 2yr old. How can one grieve when you have to care for two babies that need you? I am working through it, though, and it does give me peace that when I am having my real bad days....almost always, a hummingbird will make an appearance. Just the other day, I was thinking about you (and dreading this day...the one year anniversary of your passing), and was having a "moment", and just then I looked out the window, and there it was--a hummingbird just circling around. The thing is--these hummingbirds I see, they NEVER stay and eat from the feeder! They always just fly around for a few seconds, and off they go.

It is going to be real hard to never go back into your house. Mom is going to sell the house soon....and I think we are all dreading it. Life just won't be the same--coming to town and not stopping/staying at your house. Just the memories, I guess.

I kept your favorite peach shirt...a year later, it still smells like you. Hopefully, you don't think I am crazy!! Those first few weeks, I had a lot of bad days, and I really just needed to have something that was you. Everyday, I see that shirt, and it always makes me smile! Thank you for all you kindness, unconditional love, and faith that you taught us all. The love you taught us, will live on forever. I will always miss you--until we meet again in heaven....

~Love you, Grams....from your "favorite"

"Grief that is out of control can destroy your happiness and health.Grief is about losing, but also can be about growth. Grief is part of healing. Working through grief effectively is not done alone. Grief is NOT a sign of weakness or lack of faith. The presence of your grief just means it was significant to you. After a major loss, take special care of yourself--be GOOD to yourself!"

(notes in Grandma's handwriting from a Grief/Loss support group she attended after the loss of her second husband, my Grandpa in 1980. I found these notes when I was cleaning out her bedroom. Today, the notes are on my fridge--for me to glance at each day to remind me of the strength she taught all of us to have.)
Grandma when she was about a year old, with her older brother, James
Grandma's high school graduation picture One of my most favorite pictures of me and my Grams...the running joke with the bonnet is: it could have been 90 degrees outside, and if there was a breeze, I had a bonnet on. Posing with Grams on my first birthday At my sister's wedding, three years ago In a goofy way, this too, is a favorite picture. It says..."No, I am not here to give you hugs, chat with you on the phone, or eat chocolate malts with you, but I am in heaven with Jesus, where I want to be. I miss you too, and I will always be in your heart-- so grieve, and miss me, but then for Heaven's sake, sweetie, move on!! UFF DA!! There will always be a little part of me in you...and we will ALWAYS have the memories."
So...that is what I try to do...each day.

No comments: